Wrightisms (or some decent quotes to put on your MSN)

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Smoking cures weight problems. Eventually.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable. Except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

How young can you die of old age?

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, in four years I'll be ninety.

For a while I didn't have a car. I had a helicopter. No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.